Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
