dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
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