seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
