so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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