I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
