At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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