Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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