I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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