I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
