there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
