the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
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Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
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