Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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