Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
