my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
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Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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