The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
