I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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