i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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