The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
