I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
