Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
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You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.