Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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