I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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