we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
