I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
