what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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