dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Randomize
