I molested 6 butterflies tonight
this beer tastes like vomit already
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
