youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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