So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
