captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.