Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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