I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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