at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
