I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
