Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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