I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
