in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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