it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
