My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
