Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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