i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
