You think ghandi was good in the sack? cuz i sure do.
I'm not gay.
Soooo you want ghandi? is that what your telling me?
If ghandi gives good head...I'm in
Its fine.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
This beer is not sobering me up at all
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
