2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
