I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
