I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
