Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
