Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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