Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize