Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
