we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
