your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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