all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
